Nobody Said It Was Easy // {Kili}

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FLANNA

Flanna had awoken early this morn, leaving Kili to sleep in their bed and Talar to sleep in his crib, which was at the foot of the bed so that he could be easily reached if his parents heard him stir in the night. Which, surprisingly, had not happened often. For such a young child in the care of two new parents, Talar was unbelievably calm and cool, waking never more than twice a night and only for want of food. During the day, the child was generally happy, though he found his moments to whine and whimper, especially when Croi was a bit too rough with him. But Kili always said it was good for him. 'Building character. Making him strong.'

Flanna had to laugh at the thought. She had much recovered from her traumatizing ordeal of birthing, which though she'd very much hated it, she would not hesitate to do again should Kili want another child, ever. She'd promised him that. And he'd lately been terribly gentle with her, treating Flanna as though she might have been a piece of glass. He did not lay with her, did not do anything with or to her that might bring harm to her fragile body. But now, it'd been two weeks, and she was certain that she was just fine. Her stomach had now receded to its normal bounds, and she was startlingly not much different than she'd been before her pregnancy. As she moved to her workroom, Flanna smiled. The sun was not up yet, the morning was so early. But she rose normally this time or just a bit later, so it was no great feat. And she usually let Kili sleep. He would not be awake for another hour or more, if the past was anything to go by.

Carring her taper, its flame strong enough to illuminate the hallways, Flanna made her way into the room where all of her wonderful writing supplies were stocked, her workspace, her haven. She'd not been in here in several months, and the room was a bit dusty. Sitting and placing the candle on the desk, Flanna took a sheet of parchment from its drawer and donned a quill and inkwell. She stared at the paper as it spread before her, wondering what it should be this time. But what she came up with was not poetry, as usually she wrote. Instead, it was a short letter to her newborn.

My dearest Talar,

Your coming into my world has changed my life, has changed everything I know. Were it not for the love and devotion of your father, I would have never known the good things of life, and never gotten the chance to see your arrival into my trivial life. Talar, I do not know when you should get the chance to read this. But be it after I pass from this life or when some day dawns that I choose to entrust you with it, there are three things I want you to know as you choose your paths. Firstly, that life is a curse. It will torment you endlessly, pull you down to the lowest Hell it can find, and bring you to your knees. Secondly, that life is a blessing. It will heal your scars, uncover your muddied face, and bring you the most beautiful things you will ever discover. And thirdly, and most importantly, know that life is not complete until you have found she which you love, which you know you could surrender your entire existence for without a thought, which your heart beats solely for and your soul cries out to adore. This will be always my greatest triumph, and may I hope that it will too be yours. All my love I send to you in writing this. You are but young at this time, and I hope that this letter will see you a wonderful man.

When she'd finished, Flanna was surprised to hear footsteps outside the door. It was still early; she'd not prepared breakfast yet. As she turned, she accidentally tipped over her candle and the flame fell to the wooden floor. With a scream, she saw the light as it grew. "Water, Kili, Water!"

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KILI

Kili had awoken alone... not that it was rare, Flanna was an early riser and Kili was a night owl, preferring to stay up until the wee hours of morn, especially in the right company. He lived in a cave, in the mountains, the sunlight rarely reaching him even on the brightest of days, it was natural, within his blood to detest the heavy and hot rays, but unfortuneatly such was when the rest of the world operated and he had been forced to adjust... much to his displeasure. he slept late, but not late enough to be late for job opportunities. He grumbled as the sun poured through the curtains lighting his face in a single, devestating streak of light. Damn thing. With a grunt of annoyance he dropped from the bed, throwing on various articles of clothing as he went. he left the bedroom, deciding to leave Flanna to her writing after hearing her pen scribbling furiously, no doubt the woman had regained her muse and most of which she had been writing was about their son.

Speaking of which... he stepped into the kitchen and watched bemused. The infant lay against Croi who was sleeping soundly coiled around the babe... his son would be soft, there was no denying that Flanna would shower him with every fragmented piece of love she could muster. Kili would just have to teach him how to defend and fight for himself and pray to the Gods that the kid would use the skills if he needed too. Hopefully it would never come to such extremes, but he would make sure the lad would be far from helpless... speaking of which, he needed to write Thorin. He deserved to meet the new member of his family. He would see too it today...after coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

He wasn't sure how long he rested, zoning without a sound, he stared at a blank space in the wall, his mind wandering to so many things. he had been a parent for a scarce few days and still the idea blew him away. He was well known for his rugged looks and charm. he was known throughout Middle Earth as the charmer, the dwarf able to capture the heart of any fair maid. Out of their company he had been the last they had thought would settle down. In fact, more oft than not they were made against him, betting on his inability to stop being so restless. How ironic that he would not only prove them all wrong, but he would be the first. He was a father now. Another life hung on his shoulders, demanded his attention. He was now truly needed.

A shout of his name, startled all three of them, Kili, Croi, and the baby. Talar began to wail, but Kili needed first to attend to his wife, that shout was one of anxiety and he obeyed the command without question, his heart cracking with each of Talor's cries. he filled a pot with water, scooped up Talar as he ran and handed off the pot to his wife, she would know what could be damaged and what could not. Kili set about to soothing his son. Rocking him and murmuring soft words. He could hold the child forever, he knew that, he was quite simply, perfect. "Are you alright my lady?" The old pet name falling with ease from his mouth.

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FLANNA

The morning had been quiet, an all-overcoming peace that settled deep in Flanna's soul. It was an unusual thing now that she'd birthed a child. Talar, though she supposed he was probably very good for such a newborn child, wailed loudly when he cried, and sometimes it gave her slight headaches and kept her awake in anxiety that he might do it again. No, he rarely cried at night, and slept well, but she always worried. Always wanted to be at his bedside just in case something happened to him; she understood that this was a common motherly instinct and something she was lucky to possess so much of, but it was also a troubling thing. Her son was so important. What if something happened to him?

She'd gone into her workshop trying to fulfill promises she'd made often to her son, to write him something that would be worth his time whenever he chanced to read it. One day. She had vowed to herself and to Kili that Talar would have the best life a child could have, that he would not know the suffering that had made them both. He would be built up in love, not pain. There was a way. And she poured it all into the short letter she penned to her beloved son.

When the candle fell, Flanna reacted quickly. She was scared. In this house made of so much wood, one candle could wreak havoc on the life that they'd been building. She thought immediately of her two boys, and yelled for Kili as soon as she'd grasped what was going on. He came at her command, footsteps running down the hallways, sleeping though he may have been, and brought her water as quickly as he was able. It was with haste that she threw it upon the candle and the spreading flame, trying desperately to put out the fire before it meant something more than just a burn in the floor. And it was gone, thankfully. There was danger no more. With deep breaths of former fear and relief mingling, she turned to Kili. "Thank you. Thank you so much." She was exhausted by fear.

She smiled, though, as she leaned over and picked up the soaked candle, placing it on the desk away from the paper, which she folded and put in a drawer. Her son was in Kili's arms, and they were all safe. "I'm so sorry. I did not mean to wake you all, to start such a din. Forgive me." She leaned her head on Kili's shoulder in apology. She wasn't going to ask for her son right now; she did not trust herself to be safe right now. As she looked at Kili, then at her son, she thought, though, of how beautiful the man was, and how perfect the baby. Yes. She'd want more.

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KILI

Kili was not in the habit of being active or awake in the wee hours of the morn. Dwarves were notorious as still dragging their knuckles until noon or even later... of course Thorin was the exception to such things, but the vast majority of them grumbled and groaned until well into the afternoon. It was simple fact. That is, not to say that if a problem or an attack occurred that every last one of them wouldn't be upon the scene clad in armor and weapons within seconds, but when everything was peaceful and serene, they needed no hurry and they lazed quite...well lazily. Talar was an ideal baby, he did not wail or cry often but when he bellowed it could shatter glass. It was an ear splitting sound that cracked Kili's heart to know that his son was in distress, it made him sick to his stomach, if Flanna wasn't already on her feet and moving, Kili was.

The young child was growing quickly, but he supposed that was fairly normal, he wondered how short he would be, no doubt not getting the best in that department between the two of them. Kili was quite tall for a dwarf but compared to a human... he was laughable. That would take some getting used to and probably a few fist fights to prove his worth. Kili was eager to teach him how to defend himself. The first nose he shattered would have Kili roaring with laughter and pride... and then probably cringing as Flanna came down upon them. She would not approve of such violence. Talar would just have to learn how to shelter things from his mom.

Flanna's desperate calls sent Kili instinctively flying throughout the house, his son and her desperate request being the only things upon his mind, cradling one in his right arm and the pail in the left he reached her immediately, watching as she put out the small fire that had charred the floorboards. An hour's work and he would have it fixed, it was no problem. She thanked him softly, seemingly relieved now that the potential threat had been eliminated and he frowned slightly, coiling his free arm around her shoulders and tugging her into his side, resting her head against his shoulders, as he trailed his fingers up and down her arm in an attempt to soothe her. Talar had ceased his cries. "No need to thank me my Flanna. You are my wife, it kind of comes with the description." He chuckled lightly, squeezing her with zeal.

"Stop apologizing beloved, you didn't intentionally do it, Ill fix the floorboards this afternoon, no need to be upset." He paused here, hesitating a moment before speaking once more. "Does something else aide you my heart? You do not usually get so upset over something so mild." [/b] Did she think he would be angry with her? Over something so silly? Never. Talar, seeming to agree, extended his hands and tangled his thick fingers in her hair, giggling animatedly as he did so, Kili chuckled at his sons antics, it seemed he wanted to make sure mama was ok as much as he himself.

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FLANNA

Flanna was aghast that she could have been so careless, to do such a thing. Normally she was a very cautious, wary person, who never made a mess or took any sort of chance. Yes, Kili had changed that, but that was on a deeper, more emotional level. This had been pure carelessness, and it looked bad, she knew. Or, at least, to her. She hated to do anything imperfect. She had to live up now not only to the standards set by her far-better-than-normal husband, but to the perfection they both found in the infant. And, to be honest, she was feeling a little unworthy. She felt inferior to the both of them, she felt like she did not deserve to inhabit this same house.

A spell had come over her since last night. Perhaps it'd been dreams of Carson and Brian and Darren, but she was once more haunted by her past and the candle had simply done her in. She was in a certainly fragile state right now, in the early hours of the morning, when time was not a friend of hers. And Kili, of course, sensed that. It seemed that Talar did, too.

She sighed. Flanna could not do a thing right, it felt like. Yes, she knew it was what he was supposed to do, but so many husbands did not do any of the duties they were bound by God to do. It was normal. And he exceeded that. Again... unworthy. She looked at him with dulled, lifeless eyes. "And I love you for it. You're too good to me, you are." But her words were laced with a little hint of sadness. Moody though she was right now, Flanna needed her husband. She could never hate him. Her jealously of him would never surpass her love. She hoped he knew that, if he could read her face right now.

He squeezed her to him, and she heaved a breath. Talar reached out to her and she took him gently, letting him do what he would to her hair. For a baby, he was so big! She sighed again. "Kili.... come talk with me. Let me put Talar back to sleep. Then talk with me. Please." She needed him right now. She missed him. These new motherly duties were taking their toll on her, mind and body, and she still had not proved enough to Kili that she was strong enough to resume her normal activities.

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KILI

Kili cradled Flanna against his side, he was still devoid of armor and thick clothing so she would be able to feel his warmth with ease, something that always seemed to calm her. He knew something was off with her, he couldn't say what but something most assuredly was wrong. He stroked her arm, soothing her to the best of his ability while Talar twirled her hair around his fingers, giggling playfully as he did so, seemingly in his own attempt to soothe his mama. They stayed like that for quite some time but Kili did not mind, he let her siphon his strength drawing it into herself. He knew, eventually she would tell him, she had told him of all the darkness in her past and he had returned her secrets with his own. he hated not being able to help her, but he understood that she needed a moment to collect her thoughts. She spoke finally and he chuckled, the sound catching in his throat and vibrating in his chest.

"I am not dear Flanna, this is how someone you love is supposed to be treating, nothing more, and love you, I do." He murmured back to her, the words tangling in the fine strands of her hair. She spoke again, her tones heady and lifeless as she pulled Talar from his arms, to place him back to bed, more than likely with Croi. He cocked his head to the side mildly confused by her actions. It was rare she was moody, he understood with the pregnancy but why now? He had yet to leave again with Thorin, she owned a beautiful house, he was good to her, or as good as he could be and Talar was perfect... what was she upset for?

He placed a kiss upon the crown of her head, squeezing one last time for reassurance and releasing her all together, stepping outside of her room so she might slide past him. "I will wait for you in the kitchen Flanna. We can speak all you want there." He watched her take the babe to his room, Croi trotting along behind like the boys protector... well at least he protected something. With a soft sigh and a feeling of unease settling in his gut he stalked to the kitchen, dropping his body into one of the heavy chairs and letting off a soft sigh. He watched Flanna reappear and drew a deep breath, he had a feeling he was in trouble.

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FLANNA

Flanna did not wish to ever slip back into the same sort of depression that had once constituted her whole life. She had managed to keep it away when Carson had died, even, and it was amazing to think that, the way she felt right now. The shadows, they were back. The voices. The darkness. And to think that one candle had snapped her was a scary thing. Was she really that fragile now? Had this marriage, this pregnancy, this constant comfort, made her take everything for granted? She knew better than to do that, with her father and her lineage. There were more things to do in the world than sulk into depression, but once one was in its dark grip, it was Hell to get out. Kili had gotten her out before. Hopefully he could stop it before it tried to dull all of her senses again, before she became desperate for one drink of brandy or gin or whiskey. Anything to quell the queer feeling... No.

She turned to Kili to erase her awful thoughts. He knew. He had to know. And she felt so little in his presence... he was such a good man. No amount of war in his past could mean anything more than all the love he showered upon her, more than she needed or deserved. "No..." she trailed off back on her own train of thought. She really just needed to talk to him. She'd been alright this morning, even if the letter for Talar had drained her. Why had this spell come on so quickly? She left without another word and returned her child to his crib, letting Croi join him in companionship. When she was content to know that he was asleep, she walked noiselessly to the kitchen where Kili was waiting.

His face was worried. Probably with good reason. She didn't even know what was wrong. Well, she did. But she didn't understand why this had returned to her, when it looked like she had the perfect life. She sat right beside him, not wanting to be separated from the warmth he radiated. It was the most comforting thing she had. Holding on was all she could do right now. "Kili... I'm... not right today. It's back. The dark. The voices. The screams. The taunts of my mother and the death of my brother. The falseness of my father. All of it. I need no brandy, I know, but I crave it. You've fixed me before. Please help me." She looked up at him, fighting back her emotions. She missed him a lot. She never had time at night to fill his bed with love anymore. And this was something she had to do. To talk to him.

If depression got another hold on her, she didn't know if her fragile spirit could escape again. He would know what to do. He always knew what to do.

[Kili]

Kili waited patiently, knowing it would take her a short time to get Talar to sleep once more. taking only a moment to consider it, he rose from his seated place at the table and set about boiling a bit of water, preparing her favorite tea for her and bringing it to her place at the table. It never hurt to have something to soothe the nerves. She was already entering the room when he returned with the mug and an uneasy feeling settled in his gut. Whatever was troubling her, wasn't good. With his leg, he pushed out her chair for her, offering her the mug with a heart-melting smile. "Here, to steady your nerves my Flanna." He eased the mug into her waiting hands, and waited patiently as she took a few steadying sips.

It took her a moment to gather her thoughts and Kili did his absolute best to stay patient. She seemed distracted, detached from herself and that worried Kili. he could think of nothing wrong in their lives aside from the simple fact that he had not carved her a castle of gold in Lonely Mountain... but that was a luxury he could do nothing for, at least not at the moment. He laced his fingers with her, squeezing her hand reassuringly, willing her to speak, and when she did he listened, allowing her to vent, to get all she needed to get out off of her chest and for a few moments he was silent after.

Slowly he lifted her from her own chair and set her in his lap, tucking her head beneath his chin and gently running a hand through her hair, soothing her to the best of his ability. He hummed softly in her ear, contemplating what need be said. She was a delicate thing when she got like this and she needed a serious answer, something Kili was not always great enough to give, but for her, he would try.

"I did not fix you before beloved, you fixed yourself, I merely helped support you when you grew weary. These thoughts, these nightmares... they come back to you because you are scared. Scared that I will leave you, scared that some evil will befall our son. They taunt and tease you with it. But look at me Flanna, see me." He cupped her chin gently and guided her face to his own. "I love you and never will I leave you. Our son will grow up healthy, happy, beautiful. There is nothing for you to fear beloved nothing." And he meant it, with every fiber in his being.

[Flanna]

Flanna was feeling that familiar stirring of self-doubt, of fear in her stomach. It was an awful thing, but one that she knew all too well, and as she slowly paced the hallways back to Kili, her feet bare and their sound resounding with every step, she thought on it. Her previous depression had been bitterly terrible. She had been so alone, so lost, and so full of a falsely played childhood that she did not feel the ability within her to trust anyone. It had been Kili who had gotten her back from it, she just knew it. And it was he who was now her husband. Hers for the remainder of eternity. With a sigh, she was quickly in the kitchen with him.

He had even brewed her tea! What a good man. There was that side of her that dared not believe anything could be going wrong anymore, that loved him so much and knew he was wonderful. And then there was the dark side, the face she never showed anymore, that grieved for all she'd endured and tried to pry her away from her perfect life. It was jealous, was it? She needed Kili so much, she did. "Thank you," came the small voice.

His reassuring hand helped her steady her voice when she spoke and it felt good firstly just to have the demons out of her throat. He knew she'd been through this before, at least. It was no great surprise. And then, he did something that made her heart swell in love that it was trying to prove to her. He took her to him, in his strong, warm arms, and held her. Gently. Wonderfully. And this was what she needed from him. She relished the feeling of him so close once again, the feeling of his fingers as they brushed through her messy hair. She was certainly thankful for him. She'd fight any depression for him. His words... they were right.

She brought her eyes to meet his, and swallowed hard. It was there, stark and plain before her in his eyes. He loved her. "The voices. They come to me sometimes, and plague me. I've been afraid before. They know. Father and Mother and... They're leaving again. I think. Oh, Kili! I love you. So much. They leave when you're here. I should like them gone for good." She let out the last tear that was left brimming in her hazel eyes and looked at him once more. She did. She loved him. Unconditionally. And Talar would be fine. He was safe under Kili's watchful eyes.

"I miss you. I have not been so close to you in a long time," she whispered gently, her tears trying to cease. She placed a soft kiss on his lips and held tight to him.

[Kili]

She thanked him for the tea and he nodded, needing say no more on the subject. She was in a fragile state, needing to get something off and away from her person. She did not enjoy speaking of the demons in her past or the dark depression that had taken her before he coiled his arms around her and pried her kicking and screaming from such a state. Of course, after he had done so, she thanked him profusely. Which was unnecessary. She was a gorgeous woman who had just a touch of too much darkness upon her past to be whole without a little help. Kili had seen something worth saving and went for and God help the man who went against a dwarves stubbornness.

He held her speaking softly, but strongly to her. She would know he spoke truth if it killed him. She was beautiful and gorgeous and flawed, but all of these things, all of these pieces of her is why he loved her like he did. if she had been perfect, no flaws or blemishes, just another high society brat who got everything she ever wanted, Kili may have lain with her, but he would have left her just as fast, and he would be gallivanting off in the woods with his uncle not cradling her to his chest... speaking of his uncle where was he? It had been several months since he had last since pounded on their door.

"Such nightmares will not haunt you unless you let them love. They prey on your fears no matter how insecure. have faith in yourself, in the strength and protection of your home, your son, and me. If you do that my love they will vanish." It was not he that chased away her darkness, but her own self esteem. He held her tightly, wanting never to release her. he wished he could promise her that they would never plague her again but he could not. They would prey upon her whenever her mind grew weak and weary. He could not stop it.

"As I have missed you beloved, but I do not wish to hurt you and the midwife said it would take time for you to heal." He murmured against her mouth distracted by her soft kisses. he would not last long against her charms, it had been so long since he had taken her to bed.

[Flanna]

There was some magic in her husband, Flanna swore, that made his words touch her heart. This was it; she knew when he spoke to her with his whole heart and soul that he loved her and that he was true to her as long as he lived. It empowered her. Drove away her fear. And the demons that sometimes plagued her were hard to combat, but he knew the words that helped her fight them. Right now, that was what Flanna needed. She took a gentle sip of the tea that he'd so graciously prepared for her and let its warmth caress her drying throat. She would fight this depression. She wanted him in her life, and she could not have him entirely until this went away.

Kili's eyes glittered in what she knew was love. And... it was all for her. She smiled shyly at him, glad for his counsel but more glad for his love. He was perfect to her. "I will, Kili. I will." She kissed him gently. His words would go straight to heart, she knew. Taking a piece of his dark, luscious hair in her gingerly soft fingers, Flanna twirled it and toyed with it until her heartbeat had slowed a bit and the voices in her head subsided. She needed to get a hold of herself.

She was a mother now, after all. Talar was hers to take care of (alongside Kili, of course) and she needed her attention fully on her family now, not on her past. But it was so difficult. Her past was so full of fear and ill-intended things, but she really needed to find a way past that. She was not as weak as she sometimes felt, and Kili reminded her. Yes. Strength. That was what she needed. What Talar needed. What Kili needed from her. She turned back to him, her eyes softer and more relaxed, and smiled again. She could. She'd prove to him.

With a gentle laugh, she turned her attention to other things, like the lovely, handsome husband that she had in her hold right now, the man that she loved above anyone in the world. His words against her mouth simply drove her desire on, and she knew that then she wanted something more. She would clear all bad thoughts and instead understand what love was. "You silly man," she said, eyes drifting. "I have healed. I think two weeks has been plenty." She smiled at him, kissed him again. "Take me to your bed. There's another kind of healing I need."

[Kili]

Just as quickly as this darkness seemed to descend upon her, it lifted. He watched the transformation upon her with something akin to amazement. He was hard pressed to believe he could do so much good for her so quickly, but she swore it was he who had healed her so well, who was apparently still healing her. Truly, there was no magic, no secret incantation to his words. He reminded her of what she already knew, what her mind, despite its brilliance, sometimes forgot. He reminded her that she was strong, she was powerful, she was wonderfully capable of so many amazing things and then she did the rest, banishing her demons back to hell and when they rose again Kili would still be here, he always would.

There was no doubt in his mind that she was an incredibly strong woman... but at the end of the day she was just that, a woman and every once in awhile she needed a guiding light of someone she loved to help her. She was powerful, she was strong, and even Talar would one day come to admire his mother for the strength that rivaled his own. Her strength did not come in body or fighting spirit, but rather in mind, if only she would take the time to see it! But it seemed she was determined now, for herself, for Talar, for he... Kili cared little whom she picked to heal for, he just wished to see her better, see her alive, see her well and as long as she was these things, Kili's task was complete.

She kissed him sweetly, thanking him for things he did not feel he rightly deserved but taking them greedily all the same. Her pregnancy had denied them both the opportunity to acquaint themselves with one another as a husband and wife should, and he had tried so hard to control himself and his actions around her while she healed. He knew it would take time, but it was killing him, surely, slowly. When her playful words reached his ears he cast a quick glance at the open door to Talar's room, before drifting back to his wife, devious desire glittering in the depths of onyx orbs.

He lifted her from the chair, flinging her over his shoulder and heading off down the hallway, he pulled the door to Talar's room closed. "Damned dog will not interfere this time." With that he tossed her upon the bed, divesting himself of a shirt as he did so, before crawling in after his beloved wife and catching her round the waist, dragging her into a soul searing kiss.

[Flanna]

--Continued elsewhere--